We are sorry you are facing this
This page is only about leaving memories. It says nothing about treatment or what will happen with your health, and your care team is the place for those questions. They, or a hospice, can also offer support for you and your children.
Leaving Memories for Your Children During a Terminal Illness
Small things to record, write or gather, sized to the time and energy you have
Quick answer
Choose the one thing that feels possible: a short voice message, a letter, or a box with a few objects and notes. Someone else can hold the phone or write for you, and your care team or a hospice may be able to help. Ordinary time with your children counts too.
At a glance
Things to try now
What to do now
- 1Record one minute on your phone: a story, a song or what you love about your child
- 2Tell one person what you would like to do, so they can help on low-energy days
- 3Ask your nurse, doctor or hospice whether someone there can help with memory making
What to say
- “A prompt for a recording: The day you were born, I remember...”
- “A prompt for a letter: Here is something I love about you, and a time I saw it.”
- “To an older child: Is there anything you would like to make or record together?”
What to practice consistently
- Choosing small and ordinary over big and complete
- Keeping up simple things you already do together, as you are able, such as cuddling on the sofa or holding hands
- Saving each recording in two places, and telling someone where they are
What to avoid
- Measuring yourself against what you imagine you ought to finish. A little is still something
- Assuming a child will want to do this. Some will and some will not, and they can be asked
- Leaving digital access to chance, if you have the energy. Apple's Legacy Contact and Google's Inactive Account Manager let you name people in advance
These are common approaches mentioned in sources and by parents. They are informational, not prescriptive.
What parents say
We haven't published parent perspectives on this topic yet.
What this usually involves
- Recording your voice telling a story, singing or saying a message
- Writing a letter or a few short stories about things you did together
- Filling a box with objects and a note on each
- Asking your children what they would like to make or say
- Saving copies, and telling someone where they are
Related questions
Macmillan Cancer Support suggests photos, letters, recorded messages and objects with a note attached, in a box as simple as you like.
A Legacy Contact on Apple or a plan in Google's Inactive Account Manager lets you say in advance who can receive your data.
Macmillan Cancer Support suggests a letter to your child or short stories about things you have done together.
Related articles on Parent.wiki
Why Family Stories Matter for Children
Research has linked knowing and sharing family stories with better wellbeing in children and teens. Most of that research is correlational and drawn from fairly narrow samples, so it cannot show that stories cause the benefit. Telling stories costs little, and everyday chat counts.
Making a Memory Box With a Grieving Child
A memory box is any box where a child keeps things that remind them of the person who died. Bereavement organizations describe it as a way to stay connected to memories, even when that brings sadness. It can be a shoebox, and it can keep growing for years.
How to Talk With Your Child About Shared Memories
Researchers call it elaborative reminiscing: chatting about shared events with open questions, added details, talk about feelings and room for the child's own version. It has been linked to stronger memory, language and emotional skills. It can be learned, and it fits into ordinary moments.
Capturing Memories Without Living Through Your Phone
No source sets a right number of photos, and the researchers who studied this say the balance point is still unknown. Research does suggest that photos can add to enjoyment unless taking them gets in the way or you are already busy joining in. A few light limits can let you keep the moments and still be there for them.